Choosing Melanie

After a series of disappointments, dead ends, and divine miracles, I was finally given permission to complete clinical hours at Mulago Hospital (I've literally been trying to get into that hospital since May). It came through in the final hour. If not, I would not have passed the classes for nursing school required to begin my next semester in the Fall. I'm very grateful.  

I chose to spend my first rotation in the Special Care Unit, the equivalent of the NICU. News flash: Uganda is not America. It has been a physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting week. Some of my experiences have been very sacred and some very painful. Actually, most of the sacred ones were also very painful.

Yesterday, I walked out of the hospital with dragging feet. In my mind I was saying, "I have had it with this place. I'm sick of dying babies and hurting mothers and hopeless doctors. I want to go home. I want my mom." 

A little niggle of thought told me that I had heard those lines somewhere before, and into my mind rose the image of Scarlett O'Hara fleeing from the Civil War hospital in Gone with the Wind:

Dr. Meade: Scarlett! What is this? You ain't planning on running away? 

Scarlett: And don't you dare try to stop me. I'm never going back to that hospital. I've had enough of smelling death and rot and death. I'm going home. I want my mother. My mother needs me. 

As dashing and sassy as Scarlett is, I've really always wanted to be Melanie. Melanie is forgiving, kind, patient, unassuming, and Melanie stayed with the dying soldiers and helped them write letters home. Even though there were thousands of sick and hurting men, she knew she could make a difference for one. And then one more. And then one more. 

So even though my heart and my mind are being Scarlett, I'm trying to make my face and my hands be Melanie. I can smile at these mothers. I can show them how to change a diaper and swaddle a baby. I can teach them the importance of breast feeding and keeping the baby clean. I can sing, like my mom suggested. I can't keep every baby alive, but I can help one. And then one more.